How could I embilish this?

my first chapter. Sorry its so long

1

I opened my eyes, slowly, unwillingly, and touched my fangs. They reassured me, that I was invincible, and not dead. Nate rests beside me. I can feel his pulse reverberate through mine. I lean over and kiss him gently on lips, down his chin, stopping on his neck.
“Sophia.” He says slowly.
“What? I simply want you awake. It’s time to get to school.” I say. Even as I speak, I feel a shiver down my spine. Not because I’m cold, obviously, because I fear school. Besides my boyfriend, Nate, I fear social attraction. I crave the loneliness, calm, quiet solitude. Nate and I both do. It is why we are such a prefect couple.
“Get up, Soph.” Nate calls from the bathroom.
“I am up.” I get off the bed, and cross over to the bathroom. I quickly brush my teeth and pull my long black hair back into a perfect French braid.
“Are you ready, Soph?” Nate asks. I sling my bookbag over a shoulder. As if I needed it. These courses were already things I’ve studied.
“Lets go, hon.” Nate says and kisses me on the cheek.

It is only a fifteen minute drive to school, or a half hour walk from Nate’s house. We enter through the front doors, where the hallways teem with freshmen, sophomores, and seniors, As Nate and I walk through, whispered conversations turn to us.
“It’s Sophia and Nate.” One girl whispers. I hear their thoughts. I hear their voices. It is too much, dizzying, in fact. I swoon and fall, and Nate has to move quickly to catch me.

“Soph. Soph. Sophia Alexandria Giovanni, wake up!” I hear my mom call me. Nate is clutching my hands and I feel his pulse racing.
“Your awake.” My mom says. I nod, looking straight into my mothers eyes. They are a flashy shade of purple, like mine. She is also a vampire, like me. The events of the morning rush back to me, and not hunting last night.
“Did you hunt last night?” Mother asks. I shake my head.
“Well, that can wait. Now I have something important.” I sigh. To mother, a fly in the house is important.
“I’ve never told you this story, and I’ll skip to the nub and gist. You are a Vampire Princess, who needs to jet over to India, so she can get started on her mission. If you succeed this mission, you get crowned a princess. If you fail, then you are killed by a pack of ravenous wolves.” My mother does keep this story short.
“When do we leave?” I ask.
“You and Nate leave in a half hour.” Mother tells me.
“Nate’s coming?” I ask
“Yes. Sophia, keep up. Now lets move.” Mother herded me up off the camp cot I am lying on, and through the schools front doors. She drives us to the Calgary Internatinal Ariport. She helps us board a private jumbo jet, where Nate and I took seats facing each other.
“Vampire Princess?” Nate asks, “Does this make me your Vampire Prince?”
“If you choose,” I reply saucily. We lean in to kiss, a long full make out scene, until a butler whispers in my ear.
“Your Highness. We are landing soon.” He says. I can smell the blood lingering on his breath. It reminds me that I am starving.
“Would you like a raw steak, Miss?” He asks.
“Yes. And one for him as well.” I say. Nate’s brown hair falls into his eyes.
“I’ve already eaten.” Nate protests.
“Liar,” I say. “Get him two.”

We land in Calcutta, at nighttime. We are moved to a palace, like the Taj Mahal, only not.
“Your Highness. You are needed in the confrence room.” A voice says over my shoulder. Five seconds in India and I’ve already been summoned.







Answer :
I love this! I hope it won't evolve into a twilight prototype.. you really have your own style in this. I was hooked straight from the first sentence! Oh, by the way, you can post it here : http://writerfriendly.webs.com/ and get advice and suggestions. Though, don't worry, it's all free, no charge. Hope I see this on there soon!~*






Answer :
I liked it up to the story your main character's mother tells her ( about being a princess ) . It came out of nowhere . Not in a good way . Try to rework it .
All in all , great job !

How does this start look?

Vampire Princess or something

1

I opened my eyes, slowly, unwillingly, and touched my fangs. They reassured me, that I was invincible, and not dead. Nate rests beside me. I can feel his pulse reverberate through mine. I lean over and kiss him gently on lips, down his chin, stopping on his neck.
“Sophia.” He says slowly.
“What? I simply want you awake. It’s time to get to school.” I say. Even as I speak, I feel a shiver down my spine. Not because I’m cold, obviously, because I fear school. Besides my boyfriend, Nate, I fear social attraction. I crave the loneliness, calm, quiet solitude. Nate and I both do. It is why we are such a prefect couple.
“Get up, Soph.” Nate calls from the bathroom.
“I am up.” I get off the bed, and cross over to the bathroom. I quickly brush my teeth and pull my long black hair back into a perfect French braid.
“Are you ready, Soph?” Nate asks. I sling my bookbag over a shoulder. As if I needed it. These courses were already things I’ve studied.
“Lets go, hon.” Nate says and kisses me on the cheek.

It is only a fifteen minute drive to school, or a half hour walk from Nate’s house. We enter through the front doors, where the hallways teem with freshmen, sophomores, and seniors, As Nate and I walk through, whispered conversations turn to us.
“It’s Sophia and Nate.” One girl whispers. I hear their thoughts. I hear their voices. It is too much, dizzying, in fact. I swoon and fall, and Nate has to move quickly to catch me.

“Soph. Soph. Sophia Alexandria Giovanni, wake up!” I hear my mom call me. Nate is clutching my hands and I feel his pulse racing.
“Your awake.” My mom says. I nod, looking straight into my mothers eyes. They are a flashy shade of purple, like mine. She is also a vampire, like me. The events of the morning rush back to me, and not hunting last night.
“Did you hunt last night?” Mother asks. I shake my head.
“Well, that can wait. Now I have something important.” I sigh. To mother, a fly in the house is important.
“I’ve never told you this story, and I’ll skip to the nub and gist. You are a Vampire Princess, who needs to jet over to India, so she can get started on her mission. If you succeed this mission, you get crowned a princess. If you fail, then you are killed by a pack of ravenous wolves.” My mother does keep this story short.
“When do we leave?” I ask.
“You and Nate leave in a half hour.” Mother tells me.
“Nate’s coming?” I ask
“Yes. Sophia, keep up. Now lets move.” Mother herded me up off the camp cot I am lying on, and through the schools front doors. She drives us to the Calgary Internatinal Ariport. She helps us board a private jumbo jet, where Nate and I took seats facing each other.
“Vampire Princess?” Nate asks, “Does this make me your Vampire Prince?”
“If you choose,” I reply saucily. We lean in to kiss, a long full make out scene, until a butler whispers in my ear.
“Your Highness. We are landing soon.” He says. I can smell the blood lingering on his breath. It reminds me that I am starving.
“Would you like a raw steak, Miss?” He asks.
“Yes. And one for him as well.” I say. Nate’s brown hair falls into his eyes.
“I’ve already eaten.” Nate protests.
“Liar,” I say. “Get him two.”

We land in Calcutta, at nighttime. We are moved to a palace, like the Taj Mahal, only not.
“Your Highness. You are needed in the confrence room.” A voice says over my shoulder. Five seconds in India and I’ve already been summoned.

Thanks







Answer :
I know that usually the only answers picked as best answer for these book reviews are ones that please the poster; the ones that say the plot is original and enthralling, that i would read it were it a book, and that i think you have a good future in writing. It's not like my opinions are much different from that, but I'm not going to sugarcoat my opinions.

HERE WE GO:
-is this the very start of the book? I don't think this is a good way to start it, because there is no information on who the characters are (and even if that is the way you wanted) it begins too abruptly.
-so she's a vampire and she has fangs...but she goes to public school? Wouldn't people notice her fangs?
-Nate's a vampire too, right? then why would he have a pulse? In ancient lore, vampires drink blood only because they are dead and have no pumping heart to circulate their own, so they must replenish it as a source of food.
-at first, sophia is lying next to nate, telling him to get up for school, and the next minute, he is in the bathroom, telling HER to get ready for school. this makes no sense.
-if she and nate craved solitude, she wouldn't classify it as being lonely (even if she said it in a positive way). also, if they wanted to be alone, why would this make them perfect partners? wouldn't they want to be by themselves and not with each other? I'm not saying that they shouldn't be a couple, just that Sophia should say that that makes them compatible. It's like Rudolf saying to the little elf: "lets be independent together!" -it just doesn't make sense.
-Nate tacks Soph, or hun after his sentences too often. its sweet every once and a while, but its just annoying if he says it after every sentence.
-if Sophia has gone through school so many times that she's memorized the material, then the simple task of facing malicious thoughts and words shouldn't be sooo overpowering after all of the practice she's had.
-the whole "your a vampire princess but didn't know it and now you had to do something hard or will be eaten by vicious wolves" seems overrated. i mean, all the viewers know that she's not actually going to fail and be eaten by wolves. and wolves? vamps. vs. wolves is very overdone.
-the "my mother does keep this story short" sentence sounds awkward. rephrase that.
-sophia's whole life is about to change, her mother won't offer a better explanation, and she's totally cool about it. whats up with that? it is unrealistic and uninteresting.
-instead of saying "i reply saucily" how about "i reply seductively?" it sounds better, especially if she's trying to get him to kiss her.
-doesn't nate have parents? why is he coming along anyway? just to thicken the plot or provide interest? you need to have a logical reason.
-whats with the butlers knowing they're all vampires? is he a vampire too? why else would he have blood "lingering on his breath"?
-the butler shouldn't whisper in her ear. it sounds unprofessional and plain creepy.
-the whole raw steak scene with the: are you hungry? no. yes you are. i will make sure you eat!! thing seems kinda...lame. i mean, going without eating, especially for vampires, seems really painful. why would nate be a martyr and say he's already ate when he didn't? is he trying to impress her? it didn't work...
-why is everyone calling her "Your Highness?" i mean, i know that she's a "vampire princess" but it's getting really annoying.

Okay, sorry about that. when i critique stories, i give my honest opinions and critique hard (i mean, not that hard!) because its better to be shown a fault or given another opinion then to just hear if someone thinks it "rocks". because that doesn't help you progress at all. at least in my opinion.
if you don't plan on trying to get this published upon finishing it, then i think its great! its wonderful to express your ideas and opinions through writing. if not, then you will need to look heavily on your grammar and plot line. Vampires are becoming really overused in today's society of literature, and you will not be published if your vamp novel isn't top notch and incredibly original, which it isn't yet.
I wish you luck, and if you want to chat or work on original plot points or proof-reading, please contact me and i will be much softer in my approach, lol! i think that you have a good base to work off of! it seems interesting, but should develop your characters more! Good luck!

(i had to edit in my full answer in pieces so that it would all fit, but i'm done now! :D)






Answer :
it was OK
but u messed it up right here

"I’ve never told you this story, and I’ll skip to the nub and gist. You are a Vampire Princess, who needs to jet over to India, so she can get started on her mission. If you succeed this mission, you get crowned a princess. If you fail, then you are killed by a pack of ravenous wolves.” My mother does keep this story short.
“When do we leave?” I ask.
“You and Nate leave in a half hour.” Mother tells me.
“Nate’s coming?” I ask



when the girl replies shessss way to rational about it.
its unreal.

your going wayyyyyy to fast, and to make it good, you need to slow down and elaborate.

10 points poll: Best Landmark Of the World...?

I think its a "Taj Mahal(india)"...






Answer :
Taj Mahal, for sure, because it is a symbol of ♥...






Answer :
I agree with everyone who said the Grand Canyon,but I think the Great Wall,L'Arc du Triumph are great also.
Anyone agree The White House.
How about the Dubai Tower,the world's tallest building in Dubai,United Arab Emirates.
My personal favorite is just a short drive north on Interstate Twenty-Five
right here in my home state of New Mexico and that is the Camel Rock
Monument.It is a natural rock formation which looks like a camel's back,neck and head.






Answer :
I would love to see Taj Mahal or anyother Indian monument. My friend, but fact is that The Great Wall of China is only monument that can be seen from Moon. So I will have to choose it.






Answer :
i agree. its a mystery on who built it too.
i think great wall of china, i mean you can see it from outer space...thats awesome.






Answer :
well, exactly taj mahal is one of the beauitiful architech, no one equalised that be proud of indian jai hind






Answer :
The Ajanta Caves, once u see them and know how they were carved, and everything else on this earth will be far away from this.

Taj Mahal, not a wonder afterall?

I am Indian, and many people say that the Taj Mahal is the icon for India.People mainly know it as 1 of the 7 wonders of the world. YES it is beautiful and historical. But should Indian's be proud of it? Personally I don't appreciate the Taj Mahal strictly because of what happened to the builders.The creator was a muslim, Shah Jahan who had hired Indian achitects to build the Taj Mahal. After it was made, he had the builders' hands chopped off, as well as their families' so the work cannot be recreated or taught. That's disrespect and shameful. I admire the sweat and blood the Indians put into creating this piece of art, and I give them all the credit in the world. But everytime I see the Taj Mahal, I'm reminded of what happened to my people, and it's disgraceful.
What do you think?

Additional Details

btw, im not saying its not beautiful..it definitely is! there's always a story behind a historical structure..and this is one of them. we all have our opinions, this one is mine :) just want to hear what other's were thinking..thanks.






Answer :
Actually, that story is just not true. No one had their hands cut off. It's an OLD "urban legend".
Whether it was a lie for political reasons, personal reasons, of religious reasons .... it was still a lie used to discredit the builders.

The construction of the building was HIGHLY documented and
employed literally thousands of artisans and craftsmen.

The construction of the Taj Mahal was entrusted to a board of architects under imperial supervision including Abd ul-Karim Ma'mur Khan, Makramat Khan, and Ustad Ahmad Lahauri.
Please note.....NONE of those names are Hindu, they are MUSLIM.

This was BIG BUSINESS.
They KNEW this building was going to be one of the fineist ever built and documented names, dates, etc.

Builders were brought in from all over, any builder that was available.

No evidence WHATSOEVER exists for claims that describe, often in horrific detail, the deaths, dismemberments and mutilations which Shah Jahan supposedly inflicted on various architects and craftsmen associated with the tomb. It just wasn't true.
The records are fairly thorough.

Further more, it would have been impossible.

Think about it ..... you are going to destroy EVERY capable craftsman and builders, AND an entire board of architects?
Thousands of men?
A great many beautiful and incredible structures were built directly after the Taj Mahal.
If all their builders had no hands...... who built them?

It was built in India in 1632!
NOT the Dark Ages by barbarians but by an extremely intelligent highly developed society of architects, designers, and builders.

The American colonies were already growing in 1632!
(Remember Columbus discovered the Americas in 1492)
India was highly civilized and a world trade GIANT by 1632, not a hand-chopping-off pack of idiot barbarians.

Yes, it is an incredible building, but Jews, Muslims, and Christians has had incredbile structures all over Europe by 1632.... for hundreds of years

Do NOT believe such silly fairy tales, my friend!



*****EDIT*****
ammianus - you are correct, Ustad Ahmad Lahauri, the chief architect, was PERSIAN.
In fact, the entire region was part of the Mughal Empire, an Islamic Persianate.
Muhammad Nur-ud-din Salim Jahangir, the previous emperor's main architect, Mir Abd-ul Karim was one of the top board designers, along with Makramat Khan.

These people were Mughals .... Persians!

Mumtāz Mahal, the lovely lady this tomb was built FOR .... She was religiously a Shi'a Muslim.

There were NO Hindu Indians involved here.






Answer :
We're not looking at the history, it's the architecture.

To me, the Taj Mahal is a true beauty, ignore the fact that all the ancient kings those days were nutters.

When you're reminded of what happened to your people, appreciate their hard work and sacrifice. People those days were very loyal, to both their king and country, don't insult their sacrifice.

So what if Shah Jahan was a Muslim? This is no reason to be prejudiced against others.

If you truly want to appreciate this wonder, admire it's beauty instead of lamenting it's faults.

It's the best you can do.

Cheers!!!!!!!!






Answer :
I must agree with you there to the fact that they were handled terribly after...i had never heard that part of the story till now.
Most people have only heard of ITS story not what happened to the slaves so i guess thats why we all think it's such a beautiful wonder.
But it IS beautiful, and its beauty is what captures the eyes of the world. I guess you can be proud of the Taj Mahal itself and not what happened to the slaves.







Answer :
Hope you are fine.

Yeah you are right. My heart also feel for those who put all their hard works and life's to build the TAJ MAHAL. They were also humans , they have their right to live as they want. But they suffered. So I also think more of them instead of TAJ MAHAL.. Because human blood is more precious then any thing.

Good about you that you thought of them .

Hope you like it.

Thank you.






Answer :
Hi dear ,
I am really sad to hear this story , it is shameful . but it still an icon of beauty but this event may change my opinion towards that Shah but not for the building itself & you must be proud as after all that your events were who built it .
Always human mix between beauty & cruelty .






Answer :
As far as I'm aware, the plans for Taj Mahal are in Persian, and Shah Jehan imported Persian architects to design and build it, the chief architect being Lahauri.
Looks like you've been listening to anti-Muslim propaganda, and swallowing it whole.






Answer :
The mutilation story has not been proved to be true. It is considered one of many myths surrounding the Taj Mahal. No evidence has been found to prove the story. One rumour is that the story is told to tourists.






Answer :
I'm not Indian, and won't tell you how to feel about it, but it would seem more fitting to see the Taj Mahal as a monument to the builders, rather than as a reminder of what happened to them after they built it.






Answer :
I see what you mean.
But the world sees it as a marvelous architecture . Sadly, no one wants to know about the history or the facts you mentioned...