How could I embilish this?

my first chapter. Sorry its so long

1

I opened my eyes, slowly, unwillingly, and touched my fangs. They reassured me, that I was invincible, and not dead. Nate rests beside me. I can feel his pulse reverberate through mine. I lean over and kiss him gently on lips, down his chin, stopping on his neck.
“Sophia.” He says slowly.
“What? I simply want you awake. It’s time to get to school.” I say. Even as I speak, I feel a shiver down my spine. Not because I’m cold, obviously, because I fear school. Besides my boyfriend, Nate, I fear social attraction. I crave the loneliness, calm, quiet solitude. Nate and I both do. It is why we are such a prefect couple.
“Get up, Soph.” Nate calls from the bathroom.
“I am up.” I get off the bed, and cross over to the bathroom. I quickly brush my teeth and pull my long black hair back into a perfect French braid.
“Are you ready, Soph?” Nate asks. I sling my bookbag over a shoulder. As if I needed it. These courses were already things I’ve studied.
“Lets go, hon.” Nate says and kisses me on the cheek.

It is only a fifteen minute drive to school, or a half hour walk from Nate’s house. We enter through the front doors, where the hallways teem with freshmen, sophomores, and seniors, As Nate and I walk through, whispered conversations turn to us.
“It’s Sophia and Nate.” One girl whispers. I hear their thoughts. I hear their voices. It is too much, dizzying, in fact. I swoon and fall, and Nate has to move quickly to catch me.

“Soph. Soph. Sophia Alexandria Giovanni, wake up!” I hear my mom call me. Nate is clutching my hands and I feel his pulse racing.
“Your awake.” My mom says. I nod, looking straight into my mothers eyes. They are a flashy shade of purple, like mine. She is also a vampire, like me. The events of the morning rush back to me, and not hunting last night.
“Did you hunt last night?” Mother asks. I shake my head.
“Well, that can wait. Now I have something important.” I sigh. To mother, a fly in the house is important.
“I’ve never told you this story, and I’ll skip to the nub and gist. You are a Vampire Princess, who needs to jet over to India, so she can get started on her mission. If you succeed this mission, you get crowned a princess. If you fail, then you are killed by a pack of ravenous wolves.” My mother does keep this story short.
“When do we leave?” I ask.
“You and Nate leave in a half hour.” Mother tells me.
“Nate’s coming?” I ask
“Yes. Sophia, keep up. Now lets move.” Mother herded me up off the camp cot I am lying on, and through the schools front doors. She drives us to the Calgary Internatinal Ariport. She helps us board a private jumbo jet, where Nate and I took seats facing each other.
“Vampire Princess?” Nate asks, “Does this make me your Vampire Prince?”
“If you choose,” I reply saucily. We lean in to kiss, a long full make out scene, until a butler whispers in my ear.
“Your Highness. We are landing soon.” He says. I can smell the blood lingering on his breath. It reminds me that I am starving.
“Would you like a raw steak, Miss?” He asks.
“Yes. And one for him as well.” I say. Nate’s brown hair falls into his eyes.
“I’ve already eaten.” Nate protests.
“Liar,” I say. “Get him two.”

We land in Calcutta, at nighttime. We are moved to a palace, like the Taj Mahal, only not.
“Your Highness. You are needed in the confrence room.” A voice says over my shoulder. Five seconds in India and I’ve already been summoned.







Answer :
I love this! I hope it won't evolve into a twilight prototype.. you really have your own style in this. I was hooked straight from the first sentence! Oh, by the way, you can post it here : http://writerfriendly.webs.com/ and get advice and suggestions. Though, don't worry, it's all free, no charge. Hope I see this on there soon!~*






Answer :
I liked it up to the story your main character's mother tells her ( about being a princess ) . It came out of nowhere . Not in a good way . Try to rework it .
All in all , great job !