How does this start look?

Vampire Princess or something

1

I opened my eyes, slowly, unwillingly, and touched my fangs. They reassured me, that I was invincible, and not dead. Nate rests beside me. I can feel his pulse reverberate through mine. I lean over and kiss him gently on lips, down his chin, stopping on his neck.
“Sophia.” He says slowly.
“What? I simply want you awake. It’s time to get to school.” I say. Even as I speak, I feel a shiver down my spine. Not because I’m cold, obviously, because I fear school. Besides my boyfriend, Nate, I fear social attraction. I crave the loneliness, calm, quiet solitude. Nate and I both do. It is why we are such a prefect couple.
“Get up, Soph.” Nate calls from the bathroom.
“I am up.” I get off the bed, and cross over to the bathroom. I quickly brush my teeth and pull my long black hair back into a perfect French braid.
“Are you ready, Soph?” Nate asks. I sling my bookbag over a shoulder. As if I needed it. These courses were already things I’ve studied.
“Lets go, hon.” Nate says and kisses me on the cheek.

It is only a fifteen minute drive to school, or a half hour walk from Nate’s house. We enter through the front doors, where the hallways teem with freshmen, sophomores, and seniors, As Nate and I walk through, whispered conversations turn to us.
“It’s Sophia and Nate.” One girl whispers. I hear their thoughts. I hear their voices. It is too much, dizzying, in fact. I swoon and fall, and Nate has to move quickly to catch me.

“Soph. Soph. Sophia Alexandria Giovanni, wake up!” I hear my mom call me. Nate is clutching my hands and I feel his pulse racing.
“Your awake.” My mom says. I nod, looking straight into my mothers eyes. They are a flashy shade of purple, like mine. She is also a vampire, like me. The events of the morning rush back to me, and not hunting last night.
“Did you hunt last night?” Mother asks. I shake my head.
“Well, that can wait. Now I have something important.” I sigh. To mother, a fly in the house is important.
“I’ve never told you this story, and I’ll skip to the nub and gist. You are a Vampire Princess, who needs to jet over to India, so she can get started on her mission. If you succeed this mission, you get crowned a princess. If you fail, then you are killed by a pack of ravenous wolves.” My mother does keep this story short.
“When do we leave?” I ask.
“You and Nate leave in a half hour.” Mother tells me.
“Nate’s coming?” I ask
“Yes. Sophia, keep up. Now lets move.” Mother herded me up off the camp cot I am lying on, and through the schools front doors. She drives us to the Calgary Internatinal Ariport. She helps us board a private jumbo jet, where Nate and I took seats facing each other.
“Vampire Princess?” Nate asks, “Does this make me your Vampire Prince?”
“If you choose,” I reply saucily. We lean in to kiss, a long full make out scene, until a butler whispers in my ear.
“Your Highness. We are landing soon.” He says. I can smell the blood lingering on his breath. It reminds me that I am starving.
“Would you like a raw steak, Miss?” He asks.
“Yes. And one for him as well.” I say. Nate’s brown hair falls into his eyes.
“I’ve already eaten.” Nate protests.
“Liar,” I say. “Get him two.”

We land in Calcutta, at nighttime. We are moved to a palace, like the Taj Mahal, only not.
“Your Highness. You are needed in the confrence room.” A voice says over my shoulder. Five seconds in India and I’ve already been summoned.

Thanks







Answer :
I know that usually the only answers picked as best answer for these book reviews are ones that please the poster; the ones that say the plot is original and enthralling, that i would read it were it a book, and that i think you have a good future in writing. It's not like my opinions are much different from that, but I'm not going to sugarcoat my opinions.

HERE WE GO:
-is this the very start of the book? I don't think this is a good way to start it, because there is no information on who the characters are (and even if that is the way you wanted) it begins too abruptly.
-so she's a vampire and she has fangs...but she goes to public school? Wouldn't people notice her fangs?
-Nate's a vampire too, right? then why would he have a pulse? In ancient lore, vampires drink blood only because they are dead and have no pumping heart to circulate their own, so they must replenish it as a source of food.
-at first, sophia is lying next to nate, telling him to get up for school, and the next minute, he is in the bathroom, telling HER to get ready for school. this makes no sense.
-if she and nate craved solitude, she wouldn't classify it as being lonely (even if she said it in a positive way). also, if they wanted to be alone, why would this make them perfect partners? wouldn't they want to be by themselves and not with each other? I'm not saying that they shouldn't be a couple, just that Sophia should say that that makes them compatible. It's like Rudolf saying to the little elf: "lets be independent together!" -it just doesn't make sense.
-Nate tacks Soph, or hun after his sentences too often. its sweet every once and a while, but its just annoying if he says it after every sentence.
-if Sophia has gone through school so many times that she's memorized the material, then the simple task of facing malicious thoughts and words shouldn't be sooo overpowering after all of the practice she's had.
-the whole "your a vampire princess but didn't know it and now you had to do something hard or will be eaten by vicious wolves" seems overrated. i mean, all the viewers know that she's not actually going to fail and be eaten by wolves. and wolves? vamps. vs. wolves is very overdone.
-the "my mother does keep this story short" sentence sounds awkward. rephrase that.
-sophia's whole life is about to change, her mother won't offer a better explanation, and she's totally cool about it. whats up with that? it is unrealistic and uninteresting.
-instead of saying "i reply saucily" how about "i reply seductively?" it sounds better, especially if she's trying to get him to kiss her.
-doesn't nate have parents? why is he coming along anyway? just to thicken the plot or provide interest? you need to have a logical reason.
-whats with the butlers knowing they're all vampires? is he a vampire too? why else would he have blood "lingering on his breath"?
-the butler shouldn't whisper in her ear. it sounds unprofessional and plain creepy.
-the whole raw steak scene with the: are you hungry? no. yes you are. i will make sure you eat!! thing seems kinda...lame. i mean, going without eating, especially for vampires, seems really painful. why would nate be a martyr and say he's already ate when he didn't? is he trying to impress her? it didn't work...
-why is everyone calling her "Your Highness?" i mean, i know that she's a "vampire princess" but it's getting really annoying.

Okay, sorry about that. when i critique stories, i give my honest opinions and critique hard (i mean, not that hard!) because its better to be shown a fault or given another opinion then to just hear if someone thinks it "rocks". because that doesn't help you progress at all. at least in my opinion.
if you don't plan on trying to get this published upon finishing it, then i think its great! its wonderful to express your ideas and opinions through writing. if not, then you will need to look heavily on your grammar and plot line. Vampires are becoming really overused in today's society of literature, and you will not be published if your vamp novel isn't top notch and incredibly original, which it isn't yet.
I wish you luck, and if you want to chat or work on original plot points or proof-reading, please contact me and i will be much softer in my approach, lol! i think that you have a good base to work off of! it seems interesting, but should develop your characters more! Good luck!

(i had to edit in my full answer in pieces so that it would all fit, but i'm done now! :D)






Answer :
it was OK
but u messed it up right here

"I’ve never told you this story, and I’ll skip to the nub and gist. You are a Vampire Princess, who needs to jet over to India, so she can get started on her mission. If you succeed this mission, you get crowned a princess. If you fail, then you are killed by a pack of ravenous wolves.” My mother does keep this story short.
“When do we leave?” I ask.
“You and Nate leave in a half hour.” Mother tells me.
“Nate’s coming?” I ask



when the girl replies shessss way to rational about it.
its unreal.

your going wayyyyyy to fast, and to make it good, you need to slow down and elaborate.